Naked Motherhood

I turn around and around and I wonder where I have gone wrong and where I have lost myself. How did I get to this location and how did I make such a stuff of everything to end here? My heart breaks as I see 'happy families' and people that seem to have it together. I look at other people and put them up on a pedastal of something to aim for and don't know where to turn to next. 

My eyes darting around me continue to drive condemnation and dissatisfaction to my door while I cry myself to sleep at night. So many problems I am unable to deal with on my own, yet here I find myself. I want to just close my eyes to all that is happening around me and reach through into the quiet that my soul craves so dearly. Yet, my eyes draw me out again. The what now? How can I? Why me? 

That picture I had in my head when I first dreamed of my family, husband, children. Reality is far from that. 

The words spoken for belonging are rejected as I am so far from them, I feel the chains are binding me to the island of hopelessness while I strive to make anybody listen, anybody see!! Are we not worthy? Are we not here right in front of you? Please see our hearts and respond to our cries! We need you here, yet it is too hard to make you understand, to see the pain you cause at not seeing us true that we push instead of pull. We fling rocks at you and spit firey words instead of draw you nearer and nearer still. 

It is in these lost words, so deep and troubled I get lost in my own head. Trying to desperately make sense. 

Yet the emotion drains away and I find myself standing naked in the still night, tear stained and alone. Waiting again for my fight to end so that I might be fully embraced for me. By me.

And so I turn and see my children feeling the same and open my eyes to the truth in selfless love.

Reach into their hearts when longing for that quiet moment, to turn away. To speak words until they hear them without a voice.

Break chains and embrace woes until they fly higher then every thought possible. 

Burden heavier than every anticipated. 

Love more than ever felt before.

Outside My Comfort Zone

I am standing on a precerpice, my toes hanging over the edge of the cliff awaiting the courage to take the next step into what God has for me. This year is one of opening old wounds and digging out infection so Christ can cleanse me of past hurts. The cliff is my making that phone call to the counsellor and setting up that first appointment. The silly thing is, I know this will be beneficial for me and my family, and essential for my future ministry, yet it is the vulnerability which is holding me back. I am very able to speak words of hurts and events but I struggle with the emotion. It is locked away, hidden behind the 'I need to be strong' persona and the 'I am still proving everyone wrong who spoke failure over me'.

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Falling into Surrender

When I take the reins, directing my own path and handling the stressors and obstacles in my way, I have a perfect score of messing things up, eventually. I am a total natural at it, failing that is. But I think that is part of the plan. We can have short term success leading our own lives and chasing our own goals but ultimately we are not going to be fulfilled or successful. We will crash. It is through the crashing and falling that we fully see our need for Christ. It is our continual reaching the end of our capabilities that bring us to the face of Jesus. 

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Perspective

I have a 10 year old. A 10 year old who is prepubescent and generally has a bad attitude about life. It is a challenge to try to get him to see things in a different perspective but currently he is stuck on 'it's not fair'. I hear him but when you hear it 100 times a day it gets old very fast.

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Walking Towards the Son

The Lord woke me this morning, very early, and I went for a walk with him. The very fresh morning was so very quiet and still, the air clean refreshing, after a night of rain. We were alone, the Lord and I, as I walked. I talked a little but the words didn't come so easily. Asking for help is not one of my strengths and vulnerability is something I am working on. I knew he was waiting for me to speak, I knew he wasn't going to speak to me directly as he is growing my faith in what I already knew, building my strength in the word.

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Lowly Birth

A lowly stable on the edge of the small town of Bethlehem. Dirty, drafty, destitute. Not a kingly birth by any stretch of the imagination. Yet, safely birthed, wrapped and placed on a bed of straw, our salvation lay. Vulverable, meek and tranquil. No crown of authority or even a pillow to lay his head. Straw and the warmth of animals and loving young parents surrounded him that night. Just serenely entering the world that he would ultimately save. A humble beginning for such a man, to seek out relationship with us, each, individually.

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Consumable Faith

As a child I always wondered why Jesus used the phrase "Oh Ye of little faith." It stuck out in all the interactions he had. I wondered how much faith we needed, especially if faith as tiny as a mustard seed could move a mountain. How did we get faith anyway? Over the years I've learnt a lot of those answers but I still marvel at having faith the size of a mustard seed. 

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Fear

For many years I have beeen working towards a full understanding of God and his love, to have a revelation in my entire being of who God is and how much he truly loves me. I have been getting discouraged to see that I am becoming more insecure instead of the other way around. That my strengths seem to be waning and I am not able to stand as I once was.

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Rest During Turmoil

Do you ever feel if you start to cry, let down that fascade, that you will start to crumble around the edges? That the whole attitude you have built up to protect yourself will start to fall down around you? Burying you under the rubble of emotion, vulnerability, with the possibility of being crushed to death. It is this wall that is going to be the death of me by coming down, or not. 

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Bold Faith?

Can we rest in God, trust God so much, that we can be okay with our own fallibility? Can we trust him that much. Stand in faith knowing that within our own mistakes he is doing a mighty work and will gain glory? I trust God but continue to strive. Strive to reach that time when I no longer fall. It is a fools goal and it is always met with failure. The goal for no failure leads to more failure. So, rethinking my goals and mindset is a must. 

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