***TRIGGER WARNING - While there is no specific information shared, I know reading about this stuff can be upsetting. Please, above all, keep yourself safe.***
I don't know that I will publish this post as it is very hard for most people to read about, and I honestly had no idea of the depravity of human kind until I started seeing these things happen inside my own mind. I still struggle to acept at some level what has happened, even though I know beyond a doubt it is all true. Maybe it is just my wishing it could all be a lie. I would be happy to just wake up tomorrow and find out everything was a lie and I had made it all up. Yet, I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not me, my family, or my family of origin. I am simply praying that the changes will eventually be positive.
I know God is able to work all things together for good, yet it is each persons choice to face this difficult stuff. Not just a single choice but a choice every day. To wake up every day and pull your heavy head off the pillow after you have had nightmares again... to get out of bed even though you would prefer to stay there for the rest of the day and just hide from the world and everything running through your mind. To pretend that life could stop for you, just so you had time to figure things out. To decide each week to walk into the therapists office despite your anxiety being extremely elevated and you wanting to be anywhere but there becasue you know you have to talk about this stuff some more and that risks leading to more memories and nightmares. I honestly wouldn't look down on anyone who chose not to deal with this stuff.
Ritual abuse is the evil that is hidden within human kind, especially those that seek power at all costs. It is the sinful nature glorified and magnified a thousand fold and inflicted on another human, specifically those that have no ability to fight back and are easy to control. It is physical, psychological, sexual and spiritual abuse. It even reaches beyond abuse and makes its way into torture. A mind shuts down when it cannot deal with what is happening any longer. The only freedom from such treatment is to leave the body, to dissociate. This is their ultimate goal, to be able to install belief systems and controls at levels beyond what the rational mind would accept. If it is done properly, the conscious mind will have no memory of any of the abuse at all.
It sounds too surreal to be reality but unfortuantely there is a growing number of survivors coming forward every year. Many start to recover memories, without any prompting from any outside source, at some stage in their life. While the pictures of drownings, cages, electric shock and savage rapes from before I could talk are a lot to take in and process, the reality is that it starts to feel right and fit into how I have experienced everything my whole life. It starts to make sense in some warped way.
Right now, writing here about my experiences, I am overtaken with anxiety at doing this for attention instead of just writing as a way of educating and sharing my experience. There is simultaneously this need to speak to anyone that will listen and to pretend this all doesn't exist. It is hard to find the balance when ultimately you need to speak to only a few people in order to keep yourself safe and to not push your stuff onto others, especially when it is such a heavy burden.
I see so much of who I am wrapped up in my experiences as a child. I am learning about my phobias and why I have them. I am learning to ask the hard questions and trying to discover to true me under all the mess. It feels like a never ending process, though I consciously know it has to end eventually. I struggle in those times when I feel so out of control that I partially regress to the emotional state of a child, lost and frightened and seeing everyone around me as a threat. There are so very many triggers in the day to day and the worst is the perversion of God's character. I struggle to read scripture and prayer audibly and yet I still make myself attend church every Sunday and bible study with an amazing group of people each week. It is this constant positive input I need to challenge the false beliefs that seem to permeate throughout my spirit.
I need others to hold onto the truth I am fighting to regain. I need people to hear and not judge the absolute unbelievable in my experiences. I need truth to constantly challenge the lies embedded so deeply into my belief system. I need prayerful intercession. I need to learn to trust in my voice and that love is not a disguise for abuse but real love is only from God. I need to learn to let go of control and know God doesn't expect me to do this alone. Trust in myself, in the process and in the amazing support I already have around me.