Illusions

I hide behind what I perceive others want me to be. I feel like I am standing behind this impenetrable glass screen that keeps me safe. Here I am able to hide the brokenness in me. Here I am able to hold onto the illusion of wholeness. I often look at all my scars and wonder at the purpose of such painful experiences that created these imperfections. Is it just the work of a God to break us down so we are of use? I don't think that entirely as God actually prefers to work with broken people. Why? What value is there in brokenness? The messiness that makes our lives individual and painful with thorns, poisonness words and hateful actions... and then there are the actions of those around us. 

These have been my thoughts, swirling around my head, questioning the creator God of his intentions with this mess. I know he keeps calling me to risk coming out from behind that screen a little bit more each day. To take a step of faith within the confines of safe relationships. But it is my brokenness that holds me back. Fear connected to my past that keeps me hidden behind my protective shield.

God shares with me what brokenness allows us to do when we step out and open ourselves up, warts and all. I see the fractures in our hearts allowing for connection between each of us, the humble spirit willing to share the pain, the empathy built through experience drawing us to each other. It is by sharing our brokenness that we are able to see others beyond their brokenness, to their heart. And they to ours. It is dangerous and the price can be costly, but what of the price of staying behind the protective screen?

Here in this place of isolation, there is no change, no connection, no movement. We sit and view the world from a place of hurt and fear, seeing all that we are missing out on and blaming everyone around us for their part in our pain. They didn't try hard enough or we are so flawed connection is impossible. Yet, it is the shields we unknowingly keep in place that inhibit connection. They prevent us from seeing the world as it is, causing us to see the world tainted with negative intentions. In some it leads to an attitude of entitlement, that others should fulfill our needs without extending that same level of interaction to those around us.

In a world where everyone has experienced pain, and everyone has their own level of brokenness, imagine what happens when we are all out to fill out broken hearts. It can be seen in a negative spirit focused in on others brokenness as targets for power over them rather than an area for connection. Others areas of strength seen as a threat to our illusions due to them illuminating our weakness. Trying to fill up the fractures in our sense of self with various other unhealthy, and equally as damaging practices.

It is the illusion we hold so tightly to. The illusion we use to protect ourself, losing ourself along the way, that becomes our master dictating the expected outcome. Yet, it is deceptive in its ability to proctect. We risk not being able to maintain it, people seeing through to our pain. To our heartache. To our weakness. To our shame. What we don't realise is the protective shield is glass and a lot of the time our weaknesses show through.

How do we respond when our shame is exposed? When we can no longer hold onto our constructed image, the pieces falling away and our scars opened for all to see? For me it is so hard to not react instinctively to protect myself, though it depends on the circumstances. I hold so much brokenness inside, it feels like it seeps through the cracks and everyone can see, no matter how hard I try to hold it all in. Yet, even though I feel it is so obvious I hold even tighter to the illusion of being what others want. Of hiding the whole hearted sadness. Of denying my shame and never acknowledging my grief. It feels better that we all should maintain our illusions of wholeness. It is easier. It is far less painful... or so it seems.

As I journey along my healing journey I am discovering how much of myself I don't know. I am discovering how much it hurts to be totally heart sick with grief and struggle to put on the illusion people are use to seeing. People don't react well to that. Pain that is too hard to mask makes others feel really uncomfortable, as it resonates with the pain they are trying to pretend doesn't exist. We are all playing our part in maintaining the illusion and when our pain becomes too big to lock away, we upset the apple cart, we stray from our roles. For each person who pulls that illusion down and shares their brokenness and connects with another and their brokenness we are actually rewriting the roles. We are allowing people to be real in a world full of pretend.

I love how God explains things to me in pictures and this illustration is such a brilliant way of seeing things. We are each a cog in a machine. We have our place, our role and our area of influence. When we hold onto our illusions we are actually surpressing the teeth in the cog that is suppose to interconnect with other cogs. Each of our teeth is the brokenness that makes us entirely unique. It is our pain and suffering, our heart break, rejection and shame. All these experiences have shaped us to fit perfectly into this specific area of influence God had prepared for us. He is not the author of our pain but he will always make something beautiful out of our mess. When the cog's teeth fit together with the one next to them, the weakness or low point fits together with anothers high point. And vice versa. Our strength helping along the weak. It is the way God made us. To use all of our experiences, the positive and negative, to glorify him. 

I am still learning to trust in the process of learning about the illusions I have been holding onto all these years. It is a hard process and incredibly painful, yet I have to hold onto faith that God will in fact use these low points to join me with others high points and together turn the tide within our area of influence. In truth, when I think of what God can do if we just trust him completely, I get excited. I can't wait to see how he uses this mess I am right now.

God's Chisel by The Skit Guys

I saw this today on a friend's FB feed. I thought this was too good not to share. Really relevant to the journey at the moment. It had me in tears just watching it. Such talent these guys have. I hope you enjoy it also.

 

Being Called Back

I feel a bit like Jonah, being called back after trying to run away from God. In reality I haven't been trying to run from God but I have been wrestling with some very big questions and as a part of that journey it has lead me to question where God is in all of it. Don't get me wrong, I still have faith. I still believe that God holds us in his hand and I know that he works all things for our good. It is just hard living amidst the reality when my faith is challenged. I think the result is feeling spent.

For anyone that has joined me along this road of life, you would know that I have experienced a turmoil since I last wrote. It has caused me to pull right back and to take stock of everything I thought was important. To really battle with a truth I didn't know about and therefore to question all the truth's in my life right alongside that. It is a very disquieting place to be. It is a place where you find out what you are really made of, who you can truly rely on, and whether your faith foundations are as solid as you thought they were.

I look back now, almost 9 months has gone by since this season started, and I know it was something that God has been leading me towards for at least 7 years. Questioning me like Peter, 'Do you love me, Peter?' Are you really prepared to follow me anywhere? Are you really prepared to allow me to mold you? Are you willing to completely open up your heart to me? Multiple times over that time I have repeated my willingness to follow Jesus anywhere and to allow him complete access to my heart. I see now that he was truly preparing me for a very hard season. I see myself proud as Peter when he stated he would never ever deny Christ. It feels like in the depth of darkness I turned my back on Jesus in fear.

It was this desire to give over my whole heart to Jesus that made me seek out help. It was this pursuit, along with a push from God so big it couldn't be ignored, that saw me digging into areas of my heart I had never been. Areas that had been closed off so as to protect me from the truth of my past. Areas that hid the trauma I faced as a child. If it hadn't been Jesus leading the way I would have denied the very existence of the trauma. I still try to when it seems too hard to accept. Apparently this is normal.

I have not written about this previously due to the impact on my family and my just not being ready to share, even with them. Yet, truth has been spoken and now God is calling me to a whole new level of transparency. I don't know what God will do with this obedience but because he has called me back to write here, to share the ups and downs of fighting for truth, of uncovering lies that hold me to my past deep in my heart, I know he will bring fruit. It is this promise I hold onto with all I am when I am sure I can't go another step forward.

This journey is one that leads me into darkness. It is hard and lonely, despite being surrounded by some amazing people. It is a road I must travel alone, no one can do it for me. I know Jesus knows my heart and sees the truth of what I am going through. He sees the anxiety and depression I deal with on the day to day. He knows the fear I try to deny even to myself, at having to learn to trust all over again. Of reaching out to connect without others but in the same breath pulling back in fear. 

So, I come before you opening my heart and sharing the turmoil and questions I am facing during this season. I am trembling in fear as I try to make sense of who I am now that I know my whole story. I cringe as Jesus leads me to digging out poison that has been implanted so deep in my heart only he can remove. It is not going to be a short season but I know that as I make my way into the dark forest the light will shine through soon as I make my way closer to the other side. It will get easier as I continue to journey and I can't wait to see the changes he makes within me and the blessings that I will be able to pass on because of this journey he is taking me through.

As Part of the Journey

Hello my beautiful friends. Can I please say how much I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read my crazy ramblings as I walk the journey of faith. I am often astounded by how many visit here, though that is far from my main focus. The Lord has shown me how valuable my words are in encouraging others as they walk with Jesus. Too many people are scared to share their pain, believing that because they are a follower of Christ they should have it together or they should always be happy and praise God.

While a lot of us really need to speak the wonder and glory of Christ more often, it is actually sharing our faith through the trials that we draw more people to Christ. He doesn't expect perfection! He does not expect us to get it right all the time. I'm sure he knows we will in truth get it wrong most of the time. The point is he sees our hearts. He knows the things we battle with and knows the struggle we have along the way. He also knows when we are seeking him and when we are not. This is the point. I am learning right along with everyone else. While I hate the specific incident that has caused so much pain, I am so thankful for how close it is bringing me to Christ and all that I am learning along the way. That is where victory comes from.

Continuing in transparency, I want to share with you this last week I have had. It is heavy, dark, and difficult but always sees me seeking Jesus and thus bringing him glory when I find the light again. I was very relieved to be able to confront the issue this week, having prepared and focussed on it for a few months. I got through it, I came out the other side and I was okay. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and my mood lightened. I could feel my old self coming back but it was in that time the reality of my journey to healing hit me square in the face.

This hill I climbed did not lead me to the summit but to a small plateau. A space for me to rest and then confront the rest of the mountain in front of me. This reality caused me to sink into a very deep depression. A space when hope is far from you, lost in the murkiness of the fog around you. Only being able to see the spot in which you sit and long to cry out all the anguish you feel. I was stuck in that space and did not know where to turn. I needed help out of that space, I needed people alongside me with much prayer and patience. It is hard to ask for help when you are stuck. It is hard to reach out to those around you when you are unable to help yourself. It is the ultimate act of faith, calling on those when you are so very lost in your own turmoil. When calling one person, I had the phone in my hand for three hours trying to gain the courage to tell of my weakness and to ask for help. It is not easy but I did it and felt better for doing it.

I am very blessed with a great support network. I am very very thankful for them. I was able to seek God in the confusion, as my head filled with so much negative thinking. To confront the distractions that kept me from hearing Jesus voice in the darkness. In prayer I was able to feel the fog lifting, Jesus speaking out that they do not have any power in my life, I was giving them that power. It was a matter of choosing to override their words, to step closer to Jesus and to strain to hear his voice. In that choice I was able to turn off the negative voices and hear his words as they soothed my soul.

Again, I am reminded that I need to choose Jesus each day no matter the situation I am faced with.

In those times when I was unable to find the strength to drown out the negative voices, I sang songs of praise. I turned my music up loud and drowned out their words with His words. This was my fall back in my despair. I knew I would get lost in their words, dragging me down, so if I can focus on something else they have reduced power. Music is an avenue to our hearts, and feeding my heart praise and worship gave me strength to again fight.

There is more to my story and I will share it with you when I am able. It isn't pretty like we think faith should be but it is real, ugly and true. It is where I have walked, it is the path that is bringing me closer to Jesus. There is always hope in everything when we walk with Jesus. It doesn't always feel that way. I know that too well. But aside from our feelings we must believe there is always hope and he will bring us through it. It may not be a quick recovery, and it may not be a complete recovery, but Jesus walks with us in whatever way our journey looks to the individual. 

My Chrisitan community is what got me through this time. They are there to constantly encourage me, challenge me and refocus my wrong thinking. They are there to pick me up and prayer for me. It is so important that we surround ourselves in faithful relationships. For we cannot make it along this difficult journey of faith without help from flesh and blood. Jesus should always be first but God made us to be in communion with the body of Christ. I am ever thankful for their input in my life, for their trusting me with inputting into their life also. 

One thing I notice about me is that even when I have lost sight of hope in my life, I am still able to see the hope in another's situation. So, by encouraging others to journey closer to the heart of Christ, I too am encouraged and am better able to see how Jesus is working in the subtle, and not so subtle, ways in my life. Maybe this is the whole purpose of community. To have our eyes constantly opened to all aspects of our faith journey, as we all walk a different part at different times, thus there is always someone able to encourage another. We are able to see the faith through trials, blessings, growth and even in the being stuck. A community is essential and in building a community we need to open our hearts to those around us and take the chance to share. I hope I am able to be apart of your wider community of faith. I see you all as apart of mine and am continually blessed. 

Worship in Weakness

I have sought the Lord long and hard this week. In my fear I have prayed, in my confusion I have called out his name, in my sadness I have read his word, and in my despair I have sung songs of praise. My whole heart longs to find His peace, to be able to rest in the knowledge that He is my all and my faith and hope rests in Him. It hasn't been easy and there have been many temptations to direct my negative emotions elsewhere. Many! Yet, he is faithful. I know I still have a way to go, and my questions will continue to come as I walk my journey to healing, but I am able to say that I trust God again. I am so very, very thankful.

I have been reading the book called 'Mirror Ball' by Matt Redman this last week and it has been God's perfect timing. While the book talks about how we can worship God with our whole lives, the premise is that we are to reflect the very nature of God for all to see. To be a mirror ball lighting up the room. It is an amazing picutre but the book doesn't just tell us we should or how we should, it reflects on the very nature of who God is and asks us how could we not? In my questioning whether I could trust God, I was reading about all the reasons why I should.

This got me reflecting further and wondering how we could really worship in our weakness, in our times of great distress? What do we have to offer God when we are asking so much and have nothing left to give? As God has lead me over this last week in re-establishing my faith and trust in Him, He has revealed some amazing truths to me.

...Just then a woman of the village, the town harlot, having learned that Jesus was a guest in the home of the Pharisee, came with a bottle of very expensive perfume and stood at his feet, weeping, raining tears on his feet. Letting down her hair, she dried his feet, kissed them, and anointed them with the perfume. - Luke 7:36-39 (MSG)

Our tears can be our greatest gift and act of worhship!

When we have great distress we long to keep it hidden, to hold onto it tighter than ever. We feel that if we were to let go, it would break our hearts completely, revealing all our anguish and shame for the world to see. To keep moving forward it seems we need to hold on tight. Yet, taking a risky step of faith and trusting God with our greatest suffereing and heartbreak is our greatest act of faith and worship.

In Mark 14:3 another woman brought her 'very costly and precious' gift to Jesus, costing a years wages. It doesn't say who this woman is but we know she is an unclean woman, probably a prostitute. She used very expensive perfume with which to anoint Jesus head. Now, just think what she would have had to do in order to purchase that perfume! It was indeed very costly and precious and she risked the outcry of the pious and gave it to Jesus anyway. 

Jesus knows what those tears cost us, fear, rejection, shame, guilt, grief, anxiety. Our heartbreak is precious to Jesus. He knows the pain and trials we have walked. He was there with us through it and continues to walk and cry with us as we journey towards healing. Bringing our tears to Jesus feet not only brings honour to His name, it also brings comfort and healing to us.

The woman with the issue of bleeding took a risk of faith and reached out in her despair and Jesus told her, 'Daughter, be of good comfort: your faith has made you whole.' (Matt 9:22) This is the goal of my journey, to be complete and healed. To have my brokenness make into something new and used to bring glory to His name. I know everyone's journey is different and I know the journey of healing is a long one but I am seeing the benefits of letting go, in taking those risky steps of faith. I am feeling peace and joy right now. I will probably have to decide again to lay it all down for Him tomorrow but the more I do it, the easier it will get, and one day it might stay at his feet.

 

MercyMe - The Hurt & The Healer

Doesn't this make an awesome reply from God for my questions? What do you think? I love how God brings about understanding if only we have our eyes and hearts open. 

Is God big enough for the why?

Life never really goes to plan, well that is if we are the one's making the plans. Tough, unexpected and even evil things happen and we are left having to walk a path we never wanted or expected. After the shock has worn off we are left with the emotional turmoil. We have to find our way to the surface of these emotions and make some sense of them and the experience that has come upon us.

For a couple of days I have been trying to avoid the whys that have been buzzing around in my head. I have been trying to deny their existence. Isn't asking the whys of God some sort of weakness of faith? I mean, that is how it feels to stand before God and ask him for a reason. To ask him why me, why now and why that particular experience. But then I realised I still had faith that God would work all this for his good, though the questions didn't fade away. 

Could I really bring them to his throne and trust he won't react with rejection causing more pain? Can I be secure enough in my faith that I know how God will respond to my asking? Or is this just part of my sharing all of me with my Saviour? Are we even allowed to question our sovereign creator, who does all things perfectly, even if that means giving free will to human kind and having us create our own hell of sorts here on earth. 

This place with many questions and not enough answers is unsettling. The hardest of them all is the ones without answers. How do we assimilate those in our minds and have them make sense? Am I one day just okay with it or does it just continue to niggle in the back of my mind and I am just able to focus elsewhere, to the future instead of the past. I don't have an answer and this post will not have any nice rounded corner to end on. Life is just difficult sometimes and we don't have all the answers. 

I am still yet to ask God the big whys. I don't feel I can yet, but I know I must. I need to move beyond them and even though I am not asking him, they are still there. Growing ever bigger, taking up more of my mind. Causing more friction as I continue to carry this load alone. 

This battle is worth the fight and is won in each step I take headlong into my negative experience, pushing through, confronting the pain and knowing that God will come through in the end. He is teaching me some very valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that we can trust God with anything and everything. Things done always look how we expected but God knows what he is doing with the hard stuff, if only we learn to lean on him. 

I am relearning to trust. It is hard when you confidence has been shattered but it is easier to rebuild than have to patch up all the structural faults along the way. This way, on the other side, I know God will be at the very centre of my everything.

Wading Through the Muck

I was writing this blog post and sort of got stuck with where God wanted me to take it. I had the essence but not the summation. Then this morning he directed my path to this verse and it all made sense.

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 NLT)

God directs us to guard our hearts, it says so right there. Yet, he does not direct us to guard them as the world would do. There is no sentry standing at the gate making sure nothing gets in, protecting ourselves from being hurt or rejected. The guard is not there to keep all persons away from the depths of our heart due to fear of how they will treat it. This is how I have been living for far too many years, most of my life really. I have allowed all my relationships, including the important ones, God included, to come so far and no further. Fear always being the guard that held them back. 

Near the end of last year I had decided this was the year I was going to push those boundaries and allow God to step inside those walls, to enter past the guard. Problem was I didn't know how to do it. I needed help and healing of the past hurts in order to step through and remove the walls. I prayed hard, received prayer counselling and sought out the help of a Christian counsellor in this journey. God knew what was coming and knew how hard he would need to push in order for me to fully confront my fears. He knew and was preparing the way. It has not been easy to say the least, yet I learning to trust him, even in the midst of trying to understand. The answers don't always come, well rarely ever, and he just calls me to trust and to let him take care of it. 

I have been blessed with an amazing counsellor who has helped me to confront some of these things, bringing them to light so that God's hand can bring healing. Yet, I was chatting with a friend the other day and he reminded me that we need to make lemonade with the lemons we have in life, not go searching for new fruit. I was really challenged with how my focus was again and how I was trying to run away from the hard work that lay before me. While the way is tough ahead unless I am willing to get in and get dirty, to really wade through all the muck that lays buried in my heart and stands in the way of my important relationships, then there won't be any heart healing. Nothing will change. 

God has an amazing plan that will bring fruit out of this season of my life. I know this and have no doubt. Yet, I still find myself not keeping my eyes forward. I look around and compare my story with others and I look around and try to anaesthetise and avoid the confrontation that God is bringing into my life. Nothing was ever won by shying from the hard work. I need to know that it is worth it, there will be fruit and God's peace will come if I just look past the fear and into his face. God knew everything that would happen in my life, and how I would react to it. It isn't what he first wanted for me, as it has been influenced by all the interactions with fallen people. We can wound others just as they can wound us by not doing the right thing each and every time. Though not apart of God's original plan, he can bring healing to the very depths of our heart. It is this learning to trust through fear that we find we take new ground each day and healing comes our way. 

Going back to the scripture, it actually calls us to guard our hearts in a godly way. To keep them soft and free from fear, offence, doubt, to keep it supple and usable for our Lord. To walk in the constant hope despite what comes our way and to trust that all things God will have glory and he is working out the best for us. This is a big deal, not something that us mere broken creations can do alone. We need to be plugged into his word and we need to constantly renew our minds and bring our hearts to God daily to check we are not holding anything back from him. To trust him in all things. It is a big ask, though simple on the surface. Yet, this is how we find peace daily living covered in his love and grace.

The Poison We Tell Ourselves

I read a blog post this morning that has given me the courage to share my own story. Please head over there to read it. You Are Not A Fuc* Up. Yes, it is confronting, but I think that is a good thing. Confrontation can be positive and bring about change. It can bring things to light that are hidden. It can challange us not to accept where we are but to walk towards are better us.

Recently I have had a scab removed from a very old wound that I had buried and never dealth with. This wound contained within it some scary stuff. I admit I have reconsidered walking this journey to heart healing but God's timing is perfect. All these events that have brought this about are not coincidence but God's way of digging deep into my heart. He knows that my faith will not waver now as it once has, despite the level of emotion this wound brings up. 

When all of the emotion started to come to the surface I was a complete mess. There was just too much emotion to deal with all at once. I didn't know where to start or how to express it all. I couldn't even find any relief in words, so I got some supplies and had a play around for a little while and then started trying to express the feelings through paint and colour. The picture above is one of the pieces that came out of my head and heart. At first I kept second guessing the piece, worrying that I was wollowing in the emotion but emotions need to be felt and these thoughts and feelings kept swirling around my head. It proved to be very theraputic getting them out, it somehow dimishes their power. They have been brought out into the lght.

There is so much that goes on inside our minds, so much we tell ourselves, or allow others to define who we are. Most of us would never dare to speak these words over another person but we don't even notice the extent to which we allow the poison to permeate in our day to day thinking. For many years I have struggled with what other people thought of me, never fully being able to accept all that God has spoken over my life. I believe everything he has spoken is true but have been unable to get it into my spirit. Every time I would try to speak these words over my life, I just didn't believe them and found myself thinking the opposite. In allowing God to dig in my heart, giving him full rein, even though I feel like I get stuck at each new stage, has uncovered the reason behind it all. I am now able to give light to all that has remained hidden. I am able to work with my counselor and prayerfully unlock why I believe all these things about myself. 

I know there is a LOT more work to do. I know that it will be so painful at times that I want to pull back. I know that Jesus is walking with me, guiding my steps. I know that with each step forward, that is one closer to fullness in Christ. While I may not get there this side of heaven, I look forward to being able to live fully knowing in the depths of my spirit how much God loves me. I have another painting in mind to refute all these words with Jesus' promises and blessings. I am not ready to make it but I know that when the time comes I will be better able to claim them.

When the past comes back to haunt you...

This last two weeks my past caught up with me with the weight of a sledgehammer. It left me reeling from the truth I was unwilling to admit and too afraid to acknowledge. I was blindsighted by the initial wave of emotion, my mind flooded with anxety, fear, shame, guilt and grief. Too many emotions to deal with all at once, yet I couldn't single them out individually. It wasn't until almost a week later I was able to even give them names, the confusion was so great. Within all this confusion though, God was calling out to me. I was so stuck in the midst of it all that I didn't realise I had been condeming myself, and distancing myself from God because of it.

I am thankful I managed to hear his call in the midst of the turmoil as I am now at peace. God has spoken to my heart over the last two days and putting light onto my muddled thinking, bringing clarity and reiterating what I had already known, but spoke them into my specific situation. I was trying to hide the truth from myself, those around me and God. Yet, God already knew about my past, he was there with me when it happened, grieving the situation but knowing that he could use this darkness to bless someone in my future. He shared with me the prayers I had been speaking out for a few years, for God to heal my heart so that he could have it in its entirety. So, while these memories had remained hidden God knew it was essential for my complete healing, that the next step was to confront my past. 

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: 
   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. 
   We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:31-39 (MSG)

The emotions still come up but the realization of the truth of God's word is more real than it ever was. God brought to my remembrance Roman 8. If nothing can seperate us from the love of God then how can we always assume that he is disappointed, angry, condemning us. He is not! He is still loving us. He is feeling the hurt more than we ever could, knowing fully how it has affected us. He see him standing there with tear glistened eyes just waiting to comfort us. This is the image that I holding onto, that is getting me through the stressful times. God is walking with me into the darkness. He does not expect me to walk this path alone, ever. He knows that taking that step into the darkness is terrifying for me but I am learning the truth of his word, that even darkness found inside me cannot take me from the love of the Father. He is showing me that he is actually there waiting for me in the midst of my trauma. 

I am also learning to trust in God's timing. He is saying this is the time to deal with this, to open up those old wounds and allow him to speak into the lies. He is saying it is safe to dig, it is essential to heal before it is buried too deep. It is so hard trusting God in this. I am only just learning to agree in my heart and mind but saying the words are a whole different thing. It takes times. It takes faith and it takes a whole lot of courage. I have all these through God's provision. Without him I would be lost.

And yet, God can make good out of this situation. It is hard to see when we are in the thick of the experience, but again the truth rings true in his word. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" Romans 8:28a

It is hard to believe that out of this darkness he will use it to bless someone else. I would choose it didn't happen but then it is apart of who I am today and so it is worth it to be able to use the darkness of my past to give the gift of light to someone in the future, to maybe heal someone else's heart and bring them complete healing in Christ. This, I think, is worth the difficult journey to healing. Even the darknest of nights when the memories return and fear overtakes me. When I have to recite God's promises in order to regain the peace he has already given me. I also pray for those that will come into my future and that I will be ready and have my eyes and heart open to their needs. 

Each of us walks in our own kind of darkness. I'm sure it is not exactly like mine, but we all need to journey into that area of our hearts and allow God to do a mighty work. Is there an area of your past that God is asking you to explore with him? Are you able to trust him with these hurts, knowing that he will love you any more or any less? I pray God will lead you gently into healing.